No title for this blog as of now

My latest painting!

2012-02-11T17:43:00.001+03:00

Shut up!!

2012-02-02T20:26:00.001+03:00

Since when did I stop expressing myself when I didn't like something? I can't really recall, but it started after marriage and oddly this didn't happen at home as much as it did at work. Was it insecurity? Perhaps I couldn't bear the thought of being out of job. But that's how it has been with me ever since I started earning. So what was it that told me to shut up and bear whatever undeserving negativity that came my way?

I can't become a spectator in my own show. Anything is better than that ...even being a joker!

I am going to take that man's happiness tomorrow and everyday until I have to deal with him. Bullies can't be set right with polite words. They need to be shown their place when ever they get nasty and perhaps even when they don't until they understand where they actually stand.

Its me...

2012-02-01T21:30:00.001+03:00

I really think I was born to be a tragedy queen. No matter what the circumstances I manage to make myself miserable. I have had an awesome life till now..been lucky in so many aspects. Fell in love twice..have seen so much beauty. Yet I only crib about what I don't have. I am almost certain that if I had been at the place where I imagined myself to be originally...I wd have still managed to make myself unhappy. Its me...I am the problem. I need to see a shrink!

Kahin door..sabse door

2012-01-30T21:23:00.001+03:00

Jhooth wale kahin se kahin badh gaye..aur main tha ke sach bolta reh gaya..

Aandhiyon ke iraade tho acche na the..ye diya kaise jalta hua reh gaya.

Aate aate mera naam sa reh gaya..uske hoton pe kuch kaanpta reh gaya..

Touches a cord deep within...

2011-12-03T23:25:00.000+03:00

The Malibu effect...

2011-11-04T20:01:00.003+03:00

I know not where I am, why I am here, why am I with who I am with and what am I doing. I also have no clue as to where I want to be, whether I want anyone with me there and what I want to do with my life.

Violent mood swings send me into a tizzy. There are hours in a day..when all seems so settled and life is just what I imagined it to be and then disgust takes over leaving me wondering how soon I could get out of this...dungeon of 'happiness'.

btw..isn't alcohol supposed to make us happy??!!

Basics of a Political Party for India

2011-07-11T17:32:00.000+03:00

It pains me that I do not have a voter’s id card yet for my own area. I have my reasons for not being able to do so but well they aren’t good enough.

However even if I could vote, who would that be for? I don’t see a single political party that’s not corrupt or whose leaders are less than ridiculous.

It enrages me.. the fanaticism of BJP and I can’t stand to see the tyrannical rule of the Gandhi family. They are there because the public couldn’t care less, I couldn’t care less and anyone sensible couldn’t care less. The educated masses that have any semblance of how a country could be run doesn’t have the time. They are too busy making money to be able to take home enough so that even after the corrupt politicians have stuffed their Swiss banks and bought their private jets, they have something left with them to enjoy the good things in life.

A couple of years ago, an independent candidate called Meera Sanyal stood for elections at Mumbai. She’s a banker – well educated, intelligent, charismatic and very successful. I would have loved to vote for her provided she was in my constituency. But I would have also loved to find out whether she had the backing and support of a solid group of people who would have been there to form her party. This set of people needed to be intelligent, educated, honest and also very importantly they also needed to have a history! A history of doing stuff at grass root level, of knowing their system, of putting things in place selflessly even if in their own small ways. Rest, Meera's leadership would have taken care of. She lost the elections and I never did find out about her but what India needs is more of such candidatures and more backing for such candidates!

Reaching a point where one gathers the courage and financial backing to stand for elections is one thing, but doing what is genuinely required to stand for elections is totally another! And what could the latter entail? To my mind - working on the issues that your region is facing, is what I would seek in a party I’d like to vote for.

So why don’t people with Political ambitions make a small beginning? Why don’t they get together and think on how we can go about doing this. They needn’t dig too deep, the basic problems facing us are staring into our faces from all national dailies and in our day to day life anyways.

Bad Roads, Electricity shortage, Water problems, Traffic jams, Garbage lying in the open, Water retention due to lack of proper sewage, Corruption in government offices…the list is endless.

Is there anything that the common man can do about the above? Do we think we can come up with solutions at a micro level that can be implemented:

- Without the financial assistance of government.
- Without disturbing the existing systems in place.
- Without participation from anyone in a position of power
- Without requiring the intervention of any other political party

If the existing government is really devoid of people who can think, then that means we still have the entire think tank of India with us to arrive upon solutions to these.

All I am asking is for us to make a very small beginning and who knows in a few years from now we will have several Meera Sanyals standing for elections and who knows one of them will win!!

Taal

2011-03-04T22:53:00.003+03:00

..one of my favourite movies and highly under-rated one!

I love the character sketches, the songs..and I totally love Anil Kapoor in the movie..he should have got Aishwarya in the end :(

Posting a song close to my heart from Taal....

Mushy..

2010-10-07T18:38:00.003+03:00

..all I want is to stop before I totally lose it...

..pockets can be emptied..more difficult to empty your heart..

..should I stop caring just because you think you can handle it..

Na jaane kyon...

2010-10-03T00:26:00.000+03:00

what's wrong..

2010-09-05T20:54:00.003+03:00

...in being a parasite?

Tubercular abscess - my experience

2010-09-01T14:59:00.004+03:00

Since I have experienced this first hand now, let me get into the details of what goes on with a TB patient for the benefit of anyone who needs to know more.

Cold Abscess

I have a Tubercular abscess, also called a ‘cold abscess’ which has formed along my spine(D10 and D11 vertebrae). It is a soft tissue growth which is affecting my backbone in one area. Luckily in my case, it was detected early (three months since the onset), otherwise a cold abscess could go unnoticed for very long and by the time it is discovered, it has caused considerable damage. The bacteria eats the bones away and leads to pus formation in the affected area. TB of the spine is most difficult to get detected as it doesn’t cause any visible harm until quite sometime.

How does it happen?

People with low immunity who lead a bad lifestyle and have a poor diet are the one's who gt affected. A very common source for this infection is poultry products (milk could be a potential carrier). Apparently, a lot of people have TB bacteria in their system but they become active only when people develop very low immunity levels.

Treatment

The treatment goes on for about a year to year and half. The kit usually prescribed for this is AKT-4 (consisting of 4 tablets) and for the first two weeks of the treatment the patient's life can go completely topsy turvey. The dosage is given as per the patient’s weight.

Surprisingly my doctor asked me to continue leading a normal life and even allowed me to attend work. This was bad advise. During the first two weeks I experienced nausea, vomiting sensation, loss of appetite, fever in the evenings, shivering, drowsiness and constipation(caused by pain killers). I had severe pain in the nights when my back would get completely ‘locked’ leaving me almost paralysed. The bacteria are supposed to become troublesome at night when the rest of body muscles are relaxing. I used to try and avoid taking pain killers for the fear of constipation but then after a few days I gave in as it is inhuman to make yourself go through pain of that severity. I also fainted once due to severe acidity caused by the medication. So make sure you check with your physician whether he has prescribed ample antacids to you (mine did not!).

My advise to anyone who starts this treatment would be to take it easy in the first ten days if you are working. Keep yourself physically active otherwise, but do not punish your body by forcing it to follow a normal routine.

How to speed up recovery?

A healthy diet is the fastest way to get your body to respond to these medicines. I have been eating lots of salad, one to two apples and a glass of milk with muesli as a part of my diet. Other than that one wouldn't feel hungry anyways as there is total loss of appetite. I am not allowed to eat any fried food (as it can further pressurise your liver which is very weak due to medication).

NO drinking (again to save your liver) and no smoking as advised by doctor.

It has been 3 weeks since I am taking this treatment now. The doctors say my body is responding well. One of the doctors I consulted(a neuro-surgeon) suggested I get the pus drained (by a CT guided aspiration) but then radiologist who examined me negated the need to do so. The pain has reduced substantially now but of course I can't miss a single dose lest I make my body immune to such bacteria and cause myself irreparable damage! phew...

I will try to link this to related websites on the net. My sympathies with anyone who's going through anything similar. Pl Be brave and feel free to write here for any queries..

Totally love this song...

2010-09-01T08:08:00.004+03:00

and though I was sceptical about this movie it turned out to be a lot of fun! Life is truly meant to be lived and loved.........

If God Will Send His Angels...

2010-03-25T21:36:00.003+03:00

Nobody else here baby no one else here to blame
No one to point the finger...
It's just you and me and the rain
Nobody made you do it, no one put words in your mouth
Nobody here taking orders when love took a train heading south
It's the blind leading the blond
It's the stuff the stuff of country songs

HEY IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
AND IF GOD WILL SEND A SIGN
AND IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
Would everything be alright?

U2 is too good....What an amazing song! I never get tired of listening to it...it's been with me through out..

Re-birth

2009-08-11T21:59:00.002+03:00

I have always wondered what happens after death. What are the chances of rebirth? The choices are either yes or no..hence the thoery of probability allows me to take yes as a fifty percent chance.

If yes, what are the chances of being born human again? My own homegrown theory of probablity, lack of statistics and the will on my part to do any research here, forces me to once more take it as fifty percent.

But even if that happens, even if one is born human, the thing that I hate to ask myself is - what are the chances one would be born to the same parents/family/surroundings/siblings/friends or meet the same set of people or have the same persona/habits/traits/likes/dislikes/abilities/diabilities.. in essence - the stuff that constitutes ME? Definitely not fifty percent, in fact I doubt if this could happen at all. Even if my soul lives, it may never be able to choose it’s family or build the same complex matrix of relationships or ever replicate all the stuff that makes ‘me’ me.

In essence – rebirth or no rebirth, this is the only sweet little life I have I guess.
And guess what …..I realize.. I love it the way it is..Don’t want to replace much here.. ma, pa , my torturous sister, over balanced brother, an innocent husband and a forever confused and dissatisfied me. None of this would I ever want to lose.

Actually I am confused...

2009-06-21T01:11:00.002+03:00

who do I love more..Adam or Simon...I think I'll go with Simon...I don't mind the age difference..will I ever get to meet him...I'll live with your love when you are gone Simon...or maybe I'll marry Adam after that.. :)

So many men...such little time..

Good news ;-)

2009-06-21T01:04:00.003+03:00

................
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How do I put this down here...I am elated..bursting with love and excitement ..ah the possibilities of what can be....posting a video out here:

ADAM LAMBERT IS BI-CURIOUS!!!! Love you love you love you mmmmuuuaah Adam!

My first professional script

2009-04-15T19:31:00.002+03:00

I finally penned down something that will actually be taken to a producer this week. Nothing fancy but a 15 min long episode or a docu-drama on migrant labour and AIDS. There was little scope for creativity but writing it was a big high coz it's an approved project of a friend's friend and if the director likes it then I go on to write the screenplay and perhaps a couple of more episodes!! Yahooooooooooo

Straight

2009-04-08T21:45:00.002+03:00

If you are straight you should watch this movie to confirm that you are, if you aren't, you should still go for it to feel great about being 'different' and if you are undecided you should just not miss it, for it promises to help you find ways of realising your hidden 'potential' :) (Alrite it's not that gory!)

Barring the first 30 mins, the movie is quite entertaining.

One Art

2009-03-31T23:28:00.001+03:00

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you … I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Here is where my story begins..

2009-03-20T12:24:00.003+03:00

Why do I feel disillusioned with life? It’s as if there’s nothing more left to achieve. All my ambitions both personal and professional seems to be coming down. I am caught between the changes coming about in my life and my lost hopes which I had carefully nurtured for all my life. I am almost middle – aged now and yet haven’t reached anywhere significant in life. None of this is what I wanted..if some one tells me that this is exactly how it was all planned for me I will rubbish the thought. I don’t believe in destiny. I believe in the power to create and re-create. Life has given each one of us our own capabilities and somehow I feel that each person has abilities that can somehow compensate for that he may be lacking. It is all about how you play the cards that have been dealt to you.

I don’t want to be a silent observer any longer. I don’t want to ever be tired of wanting to achieve what I wanted. But the problem is also at this point of time the recognition what I really want. Let me examine the things have been putting me down and absorbing all my energies lately.

Coping with a marriage that I didn’t completely want. It has managed to evade the solitude and the need of emotional support but deep down inside do I connect with him – the answer is no. I have always wanted a man that was ambitious and to an extent whimsical. Someone who had dreams and who even if didn’t realize them, atleast tried. I often catch myself trying to search for that man in him. It’s a search that should have been long over and though I have almost given up, I can’t help but feel a sense of despair. But who do I have to blame? The one man I wanted to marry who chickened out or my own fixation with my wants? Either ways it doesn’t help. I am not interested in going back to him for my heart is broken and as much as I blame myself I am unable to console the heart inside me and make it fall in love with someone I am paired with. The feeling is killing me.. slowly. It’s forever gnawing at me from within even in the busiest of places or while doing the most mundane activities. I am no longer consciously awarew if it coz my mind crowds my heart with all that’s happening around me, it overpowers it, criticizes it for being weak and puts it to shame. Yet the heart lies in one corner sobbing quietly unable to let anything or anyone caress it and put it to sleep. It doesn’t want anything for now, least of all pity, perhaps just solitude to let time heal the wounds life has given it.

Coming back to where I originally started – I don’t have to let my insignificant sobbing heart welling in self pity rule my head. Not everyone gets what they want in life and what I have is not bad either.

My ambitions – wanting to start something of my own. Something that sucks the creative juices out of me and leaved me exhausted and happy to see the end result. I also wanted to pursue something altruistic but that can come along with it. Altruistic pursuits can be followed when you can first stand on your own feet. So where do I place my feet? I have always been interested in show business. Dazzling lights, creative stage set ups, lot of drama, bright colors and beautiful sounds. What is it that captures all of this – events, stage show direction and perhaps scripts. I am a writer after all. Atleast for the latter I can proudly say it’s in my blood.

Should I look for a job or do I start on my own? I don’t think I am ready to start independently yet, who do I know, where do I go and what do I do? I don’t have any of these answers. All I know right now is what I want to do and can. Best is to perhaps start working with someone then. But do events also satisfy my urge to create – to build a story – some emotions – no. It has to be drama or perhaps theatre. Will I get paid enough? Can I start pursuing it as a hobby? Will I not be inhibited or stage shy? Do I want to act – no. Do I want to direct – yes. Do I go for a course in film-making – perhaps.

Why am I putting down all this here? To let this blog be a witness to my success story.....perhaps!

And to this end, I change my outlook today..beginning with what my blog is called.

Tarot reading..

2009-03-19T21:28:00.001+03:00

I finally learnt how to read Tarot. It’s fun but it’s also a little burdensome and exhausting, being able to spell someone’s future/current emotions/feelings. To my surprise, the readings have been quite accurate.

As much as I have been wanting to learn this art (can’t call it science yet), I have always questioned it’s accuracy or and wondered about it’s scientific nature. And now that I am doing this myself, I can’t help but wonder what goes on behind this. How can random cards predict someone’s future or correctly tell a current situation? Apart from a few generalizations the cards have spoken some very specific details in each one of our lives which no amount of generalization could have reached.

That said, I am yet to be completely convinced of this myself. I can go on and fool people, make safe predictions without getting specific but I don’t want to do that. Am going to explore..

A memorable Birthday!

2009-03-16T09:58:00.005+03:00

My birthday celebrations started a day before this time and I spent most of my bday-eve shopping by myself uninhibited by time constraints or people waiting on me to finish up. Felt like a free bird and almost re-lived the golden single-hood days for these many hours.

To add to that and to my sheer delight, I bumped into A, a very old and much remembered friend. For the last 5 years I have been trying to find him and this how I finally do – walking on a road in a market that neither I have visited in so many years nor he (I later found out).

What followed was an animated 45 mins session. Catching up on each other’s lives while also trying to reconcile to the changed us, careful not to display the extreme joy lest we start fighting again. I devoured every minute.

I ended up inviting him and his wife home for my birthday party the next day. Needless to say it was a big success, I was high much before I started drinking :)

My ‘first’ Holi colored with Bhang

2009-03-13T17:42:00.004+03:00

This was my first Holi after marriage and it had to be different. I went for a party where Bhang was being served mixed in the famous ‘Holi - Thandai’. As much as I hate bhang, I was told it is very mild and only 5 glasses or more would result in anything disastrous. So I took liberty and gave my friends company by having half a glass. For one hour or so nothing happened but what followed there after was not funny.

On our way back home I found myself thinking about an old friend. I started going back in time and went back to when I first met him. I saw in front of my eyes a very detailed scene of that day complete with the clothes we were wearing, my first impression of his looks, the surroundings, people whom we were with, what they said etc. It was like a dream I was seeing with my eyes wide open..actually more than that..it was like going back in past and re-living those exact moments. I finally snapped out of it when some conversation started in the car. And then the same thing followed for someone, whose name was mentioned in some conversation happening amongst the saner lot.

Reached home and started to feel dizzy. Started gasping for breath and panic took over. My mind started racing at the speed of light. Something told me I was really sick and will start doing funny things. I was really scared..really really scared. I was going crazy and it was as if I couldn’t control what my mind was thinking. I suddenly understood what it meant to go insane but the weirdest part was the realization I had all along of what was going on with me. It was as if a part of me stood outside like a spectator and saw all that was happening. I kept telling myself again and again that I just needed to snap out of it once and I would be okay. When I couldn’t help it anymore I told my husband to help me put a break to my thoughts just once and I would get out of it. He of course couldn’t understand and kept repeating ‘you are fine baby…you are fine’ and kept urging me to go to sleep. I tried doing that too but I was scared coz a friend of mine once told me that the effects of Bhang can even last for 8 years. I was somehow convinced that I had gone insane and would remain so for these many years. So when I was asked to go to sleep my response was, if I sleep now, how will I know when 8 years are over and it’s time for me to get up. I was afraid I will never wake up. I cried and cried and started chanting ‘gayatri mantra’ something I had not done for more than ten years since I became agnostic. Nothing helped and I started banging my head against the floor.

Finally when it got too much I ordered for me to be taken to a doc. If only he could tell me I was okay, I would believe it. My husband of course relented. On my way, it dawned upon me that if I need a doc to tell me that, it means I am really not fine. All healthy people in this world don’t need to be told that they are okay. In panic I started going through a list of names in my mind who could convince me if I was okay. I didn’t want to get anyone else worried so I gave up the idea. I think amidst all this, I dozed off for a while. When I woke up I was told that the doc has seen me and pronounced me ‘ok’. I knew that hadn’t happened and felt sick at the thought of being treated like a ‘mad’ person. I even wondered how I could skip the whole incidence of the doc meeting me. Was I beginning to lose my memory too??

And then came the thought of death. I then came up with a wonderline and asked my husband if he knew the meaning of this statement ‘The ultimate truth is death’. Smartness prsonified responds with ultimate ease ‘Yeah I do’. I got down the car and asked him ‘ what if I told you I have realized this truth?’. He said ‘Good for you’. Irritated at his lack of empathy, I responded, ‘the moment one realizes it, it’s time for the person to die’.( By the way, I truly believed I was going to die). He asked me to have a respectable death on the seat of his car and to his relief I agreed. I finally went to sleep thinking I will never wake up. I of course did and lived to tell you this tale ;-)

All in all – it was scary, hilarious and embarrassing. It all happened in my in-laws house after all.

A story well told - Shantaram

2009-02-17T22:44:00.004+03:00

My heart broke in shame and sorrow. I suddenly knew how much crying there was in me, and how little love. I knew at last how lonely I was. But I couldn’t respond. My culture had taught me all the wrong things well. So I lay completely still and gave no reaction at all. But the soul has no culture. The soul has no nations. The soul has no color or accent or way of life. The soul is forever. The soul is one. And when the heart has its moment of truth and sorrow, the soul can’t be stilled.

I clenched my teeth against the stars. I closed my eyes. I surrendered to sleep. One of the reasons we crave for love and seek it so desperately is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep in the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.

- Shantaram.

This book is just what I have been looking for. It’s a beautifully written account of Shantaram’s life in Bombay where he seeks refuge after escaping from a prison. It’s amazing how much love and care a man can bestow upon others even when he’s devoid of all hope in life and lost everyone he ever cherished. It’s a book for everyone. A story very well told.

I want out!

2008-09-20T11:37:00.000+03:00

AAAAAAAAAAghhhhh! I hate my job. Can’t seem to reconcile with this boring shit anymore. Don’t want to waste 12 hours of my life everyday doing things that don’t interest me. Why be in office and do this mundane work everyday when there is so much color in life! Why can’t I write for a living or get into event management or be a wedding planner or open a boutique or start a bakery shop or get into dramatics or do script writing or generate employment for the poor ? And yes, yet be reasonably rich and reasonably famous ;-)

Am I asking for too much? Does one have to have only one ambition in life ? What will I get by becoming the HR head of a firm one day? Is it worth it to waste so many years of my life doing something that I don’t really wanna do but which could get me money and some fame? I could add a lot of value to a lot of places but just to be able to do that is so much of an effort! I don’t have the knack of getting my way around things. I don’t want to learn how to deal with politics. There are enough people out there who are willing to do that. I don’t want my life to pass by like this. I want out.

But when and how?

Singh is King

2008-08-13T08:52:00.004+03:00

I watched SIK day before yesterday and wanted to post a review.

Now I am not going to get into whether it's a blockbuster hit or a one time watch etc. I really do not care whether the masses have liked it or not. Am just gonna give my own personal experience sans any effects of the hype created around it or the insepid response it got from some people etc.

Not many movies make me laugh and SIK actually did. I liked the silly and simple comedy and though it did get too much in between, it was mostly enjoyable. A couple of scenes are actually hillarious. I think Akshay is excellent at handling comical roles with careless ease. I loved him in Bhool Bhuliya too ..remember 'Goti' ;-) ?

Other than that - Katrina looks very pretty but doesn't have many dialogues(as usual!). I liked the song 'Teri Oor'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppTtAZeoAq8

Kiron Kher also stars in the movie and she's quite likeable. Its cute the way she connects with the villager 'Sardars' when they reach Australia.

The director also managed to get Snoop Dogg to do a song in the end wearing 'Pagri' n all! It was good fun watching Akshay and him in a sherwani on bhangra beats.

Zombie score for SIK - 7/10

Watch this movie if you wanna lighten your heart and forget your worries for a while.

Premonitions

2008-08-07T22:59:00.001+03:00

Have you ever had premonitions?
Have you had them consistently over a period of time?
How accurate were they?
Did it scare you to have them?
Did you feel powerful when you realized you are capable of seeing the future or did it intimidate you, what nature is capable of?

Well anyone who reads this post – please consider yourself tagged and go ahead and answer these yourself. Meanwhile here are my answers and experiences in the past.

I have had several premonitions and I could have left them to chance or a byproduct of the probability theory but when they happen consistently and accurately is when it begins to scare me. Yes I feel a strange sense of power within me that I can foresee but let me be honest here – I also feel intimidated with some sort of supernatural touch to this.

In the recent past –

This morning after parking my car, I was walking to office in slush (due to rain-showers over last few days), trying to avoid the puddles of water. I was carrying with me an envelope with important original documents. The walk from parking lot is about ten minutes and I had been careful to tightly grip the packet. When I was only a few steps away from the entrance, seeing the envelope still in my hand, I was happy I hadn’t dropped it. Just then I had a vision – I have dropped the envelope in a puddle of water and some one who found it then came to office to hand it over to me. While I was thinking about this – I entered the office and then crossing the reception, I started fishing in my bag for my swipe card. And then to my horror I realized that the envelope was no longer with me. I rushed back retracing my steps. And thankfully found it but I was shocked to see it lying in a puddle of water! This meant that the premonition came to me just before I dropped the packet. Probably if I had left it lying there for sometime – some one would have picked it and brought it. I wouldn’t know.

Anyhow I dismissed the incidence and went to work.

The second premonition came now about an hour ago. We have a visitor in our house for a few days – a close relative. He was to return late from work this night. Since it was already 11:30, I had dozed off. After about fifteen minutes or so I woke up with a start and thought I heard the door bell. I rushed to open the door but realized it was a dream as there was no one outside when I peeped through the eye. I lazily walked back to the room disappointed as I woke up unnecessarily. Just when I was about to climb on to my bed, within fifteen seconds or so the door bell actually rang. I looked through the eye – he was there. I asked him if he had rung the bell twice – the answer was no.

It’s beginning to scare me now. This is not the first time these series of visions have come to me. There was point of time, about eight years ago when anything that came out of my mouth would come true. It happened for one whole year until I finally shared this with my parents and told them I need help. It was bothering me. It was like some strange presence that was always with me in whatever I did. I began to feel responsible for everything happening around me. And then one night I sat down in solitude and as if spoke to that strange presence around me telling it to go away coz I didn’t want to bear the burden of running this world. It’s not my job I said, it’s probably God’s.

And then things came back to normal again until today. Not sure if this will continue. If it does – I will post here again narrating the same.

Kismat Connection- a review

2008-08-05T14:50:00.003+03:00

If you aren’t less than 15 years of age, chances are you may not enjoy this movie. It may be Shahid Kapoor’s comeback film but I don’t go watching movies to promote his career you see!

Vidya Balan’s acting didn’t require much skill and the script was anything but unpredictable. Her clothes in the movie were as if from her own wardrobe, so that didn’t help the movie either. She was sans makeup for God knows what reason and wore a weird white spaghetti with different shirts and knee length skirts in almost every scene. Ugggh!

The two of them don’t look good together but that should have hardly been a constraint if they had enough chemistry.... IF!

But yes what you could do is go on You tube or Dhingana.com and listen to the song – ‘Baakhuda’. It’s a nice number and could be heard a few times over.

Zombie score for Kismat Connection – 3/10

'City of Djinns'

2008-07-22T22:23:00.000+03:00

Am currently reading ‘City of Djinns’ a book by William Dalrymple.

Took me a while to get down to reading it patiently. I had got so used to the fast paced fictions that beginning to read this slow paced historical account was a little tough on me. You can’t skim through the pages, there’s no story, no mystery, no end and no dramatical beginning. The beauty of this book lies in the facts it simply states and the subject it deals with - Apni Dilli! - what the city was before partition and where it has become since then.

Am putting down a small excerpt out here that I could relate to as it talks about parts of Delhi where I have lived. A Britisher from the Imperial Raj recounts her experience when she lived here in younger years.

‘You must give my love to dear old Delhi’ said Iris. ‘Ah! Even now when I close my eyes I see….’ For a minute she left the sentence incomplete, then: ‘Pots of chrysanthemums!’ she said quite suddenly. ‘Rows and rows of chrysanthemums in little red pots ! That’s what I remember best. Those and the ruins: riding out through the bazaar and out into the country. The Qutab Minar and moonlight picnics in Hauz Khas- a place we all thought was madly romantic. The tombs everywhere all tumbling down and black buck and peacocks and monkeys..Is it still like that?

‘Upto a point ‘ I said.

Upto a point I too agree. ‘Hauz Khas ruins’ is still one of the most beautiful places in south Delhi. It’s kept clean and green and has a small pond surrounded my trees. Couples aren’t allowed to hold hands or get close unlike those thousands of beautiful historical monuments in the city where one visit could give you all the sex education you could ever ask for. It has a Deer park and a Rose garden where I used to go for walks when lived in that side of the city. My favorite eating joint in HK Village is the ‘Bistro’. At night, a table on the terrace with a good view of the beautifully lit ruins along with a nice breeze could make it the most romantic place in Delhi.

It’s also interesting to read about Lutyens and what a ‘crazy’ guy he was. Yet his architectural acumen led to the resurrection of structures that are comparable and even better than some of the best in the world.

All in all – a book worth reading especially if you stay in Delhi or have stayed in the past or have any vague interest in the story of partition. Not a gripping murder mystery but a collection of very well written diary entries.

Character..

2008-07-22T10:31:00.002+03:00

Sometimes it takes ages to understand the character of a person and sometimes just situations.

Hi husband..

2008-07-16T08:56:00.001+03:00

This post isn't meant for you - but I just wanna say sorry to you for many things today -

- marrying you for the wrong reasons.
- finding faults in what ever you do
- not smiling at you when you enter the house after a long day, not even when you are smiling at me
- smoking
- not acknowledging anything that you do for me
- screaming at you for bad weather
- blaming you for the wrong choices we made together and taking credit for the right one's.
- making our honeymoon a nightmare.
- putting on a show as your happily married wife
- admiring you for being so respected at work but never acknowledging it
- cooking for you as if I am doing you a big favour…
….and so many more

The list is endless..not sure how long will your patience last. I know I am wrong in putting you through all this but I don't know when I will be able to do anything about all of this and that's probably why I am writing this here and not to you...

Setting up a house..

2008-07-13T23:36:00.000+03:00

Setting up your house is not an easy task but nor is it boring. The passion with which you do it up will show in the end..every corner of your house will speak loudly the story of those tones of visits to the furniture stores, to the local nursery, to the artifacts gallery which you casually went to visit and from where you ended up buying the most perfect things to go with your upholstery! Yes I have done almost all of this in the last couple of months and more..

The furniture is ordered, the artifacts lying packed in the cupboards, the carpets rolled up in plastics waiting to be rolled out to adorn the floors of my house. Whether my house will exhibit the passion or not is yet to be seen but I am loving every bit of this!

Pearls of wisdom

2008-06-06T16:12:00.002+03:00

I have always felt that I won't live very long and so before I vanish from the face of this earth...I thought I should put my words of wisdom down here lest the world be deprived of it ! :)

It's okay to doubt things, people, attitude and situations. Don't feel bad if they don't instill confidence in you. Validate/negate your fear and move ahead accordingly.

The definition of maturity becomes more advanced at every stage. There's always scope to become better.

Be well planned and prepared. Admit your mistakes at least to yourself. Never lose sight of the bigger picture. Don't get so involved in doing your job that you neglect the essentials for achieving your goals.

Do not judge people by their looks and demeanour lest you want to be shallow.

Don't ever be rude.

Stop being gloomy. Be happy.

Make sense and don't bend over backwards to please people.

Don't neglect your body and personal life.

The ability to rise above all problems and not fall weak during times of distress determines how successful you are in life.

high time..

2008-05-22T08:06:00.002+03:00

High time I stopped taking shit lying low. You can be nice to people but beyond a point it's not even counted as humility.

Confused sandwich

2008-04-09T21:58:00.003+03:00

Encouraged by the loss of eleven kg’s which I experienced in the last three months, I treated my self to two brown bread sandwiches today.

For the brave at heart the recipe is as below:

Chop an onion and some cabbage and fry them in a little oil. Sprinkle it with some salt and red chilly powder. Fill this up in two pieces of brown bread and put the thing on a pan at a low flame till it turns crisp.

If you don’t burn it, you can also try and eat it. I did and I absolutely abhorred the result of my experimental cooking. I just couldn’t get any taste! In parts I could taste onions, sometimes cabbage and then the burnt toast (yes I managed to do that as well).

It was as if my sandwich was confused! I guess it couldn’t decide what it should taste like and let me take that call. As for me – I was just content that I put something inside my deprived stomach which was crying for dinner tonight. (Though I thought I could faintly hear my taste buds abusing me all the time wondering why I put them through this torture).

Right now though I have decided to take the plunge, amidst all the ho-ha shopping and arrangements, I feel exactly like that confused sandwich which has been stuffed with many varied emotions that it can’t deal with and also badly burnt. I will satiate the hunger of those craving to see my ‘happily married’ state but will not be able to keep anyone’s taste buds happy I guess.

On that note – Good night to all you. Hope you were blessed with a better dinner!

Right or wrong?

2008-04-09T21:53:00.000+03:00

What is being morally correct? Being true to yourself or living up to the expectations of the world.

While it doesn’t take much to answer the correct option (which would be the former), how many of us actually practise it in our lives. In fact do we follow our heart at all if it were at the cost of being sniggered at.

Take for instance marriage. They say we should marry at the right age. It’s true that there’s no point in tying the knot if you can’t practically sustain it due to the logistics but beyond that, who is to say what is the right or wrong age for doing it? If you haven’t found someone you can connect with, why take the trouble of doing it at all?

the truth..

2008-03-31T07:50:00.000+03:00

It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.

Reviewing my progress...

2008-03-26T23:59:00.002+03:00

This is what I had sworn to do two years back on my birthday and this is where I stand today:

1. Go for a 10 day trek

Well...not exactly but I went for a few treks for a couple of hours..hopefully I am able to do it this year..yes I still wanna do this!
2. Change my job

I did ...6 months after I wrote this3. Make a new friend for life..

4. Revive 3 old friendships I cherished but didn’t maintain.

I did.

5. Smile more often & make an attempt at being a more friendly person.

Am getting there

6. Not be miserable nor show it

Trying my level best..am getting better.

7. Get seriously involved in a social cause and continue it.

NO. Need to do this.

8. Start writing a book.

I just started..didnt pursue it :(

9. Lose 8 kgs of weight.

Lost 10 :D

10. Go for dancing classes

Learning Salsa these days.

11. Be more process oriented

Ask my manager! Am sick of processes by the way!

12. Define the purpose of my life.

Far from it

13. Remember to review it next year

Reviewing it after two years.

Hmmmmm...not bad!

Din dube na....

2008-03-26T23:41:00.002+03:00

o saathi re din dube na...

aa chal din ko roke
dhup ke peeche daude
chaanv chhue na

o saathi re
o saathi re din dube na

aa chal din ko roke
dhup ke peeche daude
chaanv chhue na

Didn't have words....

2008-03-02T22:25:00.002+03:00

Something I wrote on a friend

2008-02-04T20:55:00.001+03:00

Was it compassion,
Or was it funny that she smiled;
Was she really happy,
Or was it something she tried to hide.

Gets lost in her creative pursuits,
Structured on the outside,
An artist at the roots.
She could goof up..And make it look fine;
She could faulter, and yet never cross the line.

A head above her shoulders,
Emotions under boulders;
She moves on in life..
Lucky man he would be to whom she would be wife! :)

She could kill with her looks,
But she would rather drown in books;
She could intimidate,
But she'd rather put it straight.

She giggles for a while,
And regains composure like she never lost it;
A child at heart, a woman in body..
It would seem natural even if she flaunted

Pics from the visit to God's own country

2008-01-20T21:35:00.000+03:00

One two cha cha cha ..

2008-01-15T17:41:00.000+03:00

So my Salsa teacher decided to go a little off track today seeing us all struggle with the steps and started teaching us CHA CHA CHA!!

Man...it was so much fun and guess what I think I finally found myself a nice partner in the vague office crowd! His pace matches with mine and also his frame :)

And we got the steps right in the first go...yipeeee!

Writer at heart..

2008-01-14T21:01:00.000+03:00

They say everything happens for a reason. Or maybe we find reasons to everything that happens trying to make sense of it. Anyways, atleast for today I will try and go with what they originally say rather than my own skeptical view of the same :)

This colleague is office told me today her uncle is settled in Greece. Out of curiousity I asked what he does for a living. Apparently he writes...I couldn't believe my ears...what did she just say! He writes..as in a professional writer? Yes, he has written a couple of off-beat books and someone somewhere read one of them and liked it so much that he now writes scripts for Hollywood! One of his scripts has even been made into a movie...

Could people actually follow their heart and succeed in life? Do they have the luxury of doing what they enjoy most and yet be successful..enough to make people envy them..to make them famous and earn enough to lead a lifestyle they have always yearned for? I kept thinking about it for a while..it was stuck in my head..and then when I came back home..I read this note on my scrapbook in Orkut telling me what I wrote on a community page left an impression on the person and that I write well. :)

This is what I had written:

Diversion..

Could I divert from this path tread so often and do something bizarre..

Could I follow my dreams of doing what I really want,

Could I free myself of all pretense,

Could I not give a damn if I make a pretty picture,

Could I love, live and die how I want?

Is life sending me a signal?

it must have been love

2008-01-13T22:42:00.000+03:00

Lay a whisper on my pillow, leave the winter on the ground. I wake up lonely, theres air of silence in the bedroom and all around. touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but its over now. it must have been good but I lost it somehow. it must have been love but its over now. from the moment we touched til the time had run out.

Make-believing were together, that Im sheltered by your heart. but in and outside Ive turned to water like a teardrop in your palm. and its a hard winters day, I dream away.

It must have been love but its over now, it was all that I wanted, now Im living without. it must have been love but its over now, its where the water flows, its where the wind blows.

Hindi classic - Arth

2008-01-13T10:28:00.000+03:00

I was on a VCD buying spree this weekend. Bought some old Hindi classics and for once didn’t wanna contribute to piracy so bought all originals – basically the one’s which had a 50% off :) but good one’s –

1. Arth ( Shabana Azmi, Smita Patil, Kulbhushan Kharbhanda, Raj kiran. Directed by Mahesh Bhatt)
2. Ek Din 24 Ghante ( Nandita Das, Rahul Bose)
3. Yun hota tho kya hota (
4. Yahaan (Jimmy Shergill and Minissha)
5. Utsav

As of now am done watching only ‘Arth’ but am really excited to finish the rest.

Putting down a small review here:

Arth is a movie about this woman, an orphan – Shabana Azmi who’s husband a movie director falls in love with an actress-Smita Patil, who too is madly in love with him. Despite there being nothing wrong in their marriage, he has this extra marital affair. He breaks the news to his wife after sometime and starts living with the actress.

Shabana soon comes to terms with reality and starts searching her own identity. She doesn’t give up on life – finds a job with the help of a man who’s a struggling Ghazal singer. She also goes on to adopt her maid’s daughter and chooses to live life with her, experiencing motherhood. The husband comes back to her later, after having a breakup with the actress lover but she doesn’t take him back.

My take – the songs by the struggling ghazal singer ( Jagjit Singh’s ) most famous one’s – are beautiful. How Shabana finds a way to spring back to life despite being devastated, is brilliant. The movie also depicts the struggle that the other woman goes through, in accepting the guilt of doing this to the wife. She can’t deal with the insecurity that the man could go back to his wife and ends up being mentally disturbed.

Great theme, beautifully dealt with, brilliant acting and touching songs!

Making new mistakes..

2008-01-13T10:00:00.000+03:00

Read something in the newspaper today. This is by Maa Usha as she is referred to, who gives weekly Tarot updates in the Hindustan Times. Now, I don’t know if Tarot is a perfect science but what she said, is worth quoting here I thought:

Life is so precious – live it. I am not saying you will not mistakes – you will. Remember only one thing – don’t make the same mistakes again and again. A man who can find new mistakes to make will be growing continuously – that is the only way to learn, that is the only way to come to your inner light says Osho the Zen master.

Marriage

2007-12-02T22:23:00.000+03:00

Whenever I have sat down and spoken to my mother - I get amazed at what all she has been through and how she endured it all. It hasn't changed her as a person - it has only made her wiser. How she stood by my father despite all that he did to her.

If I were her I would have divorced him years ago. The more I hear about what all she has faced - the more sceptical I get of the whole concept of marriage. Though divorce is a solution available - it may not be the best thing to do - especially not in the generation of which she's a part.

All I can do is thank her for bearing with it all - not letting any of it affect our lives - leading us, her kids, to live normal lives and helping us become what we are today.

Dad has changed as a person today - she's happy with him now but obviously she paid a heavy price for it through the years.

This then leads me to wonder

- should you get into a marriage at all if you don't know the person well enough from before? (her's was an arranged marriage)

- shouldn't both partners be independent financially? (she was dependent on him and may have thought of separation if she weren't)

- is it best to try and make it work because not only are you securing the lives of those you have brought into this world(your kids) but also your own happiness?

Robot factory

2007-12-02T21:59:00.001+03:00

It's funny how when you are a part of an organisation - they try and rob you off all your originality and want to see you acting/behaving/talking/reacting/working like the rest of them.

I am not here to ape anyone, am here to deliver results. When I as an individual am ready to work for an organisation that doesn't necesarily match my philosophy and vision in every way then why should they expect the same from me?

I am not violating rules. I drive myself crazy trying to give everything my best and not because I expect some sort of a trophy in return but because it gives me satisfaction.

If you can't appreciate that, the least you can do is not ask me to shed my personality - that consitutes what I am, that drives me and that which defines me. And if you do then - screw you!

what do you do...

2007-11-28T20:46:00.000+03:00

What do you do:

when you realise there's hardly any difference between you and a person you most despise,

when you know that you are setting yourself up for faliure but you have no choice,

when your simplicity is mistaken as lack of common sense,

when you become the wrong path for someone and right path for someone wrong,

when life doesn't seem as precious,

when smiles become a luxury,

when you give up and give in,

when everything seems like a facade..

when..you can't articulate any longer what you are going through.

Fair play

2007-08-16T18:05:00.000+03:00

Being in a position where you have to be fair/ unfair to people is a very tough place to be. How well you perform in this role makes people respect you like nothing else does in this world.

N 73

2007-07-22T13:00:00.000+03:00

I bought a new phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's so much fun..I have downloaded my fav numbers..it's a music edition and it can store 1500 songs!!

It also says the name of the person who's calling you..

It's hands-free has music controls and it comes with a 2 GB memory card!

Am all smiles :D !!!

heh heh...this is like an advertisement :)

2007-07-22T12:43:00.001+03:00

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle.

You know that love isn't like a greeting card...

Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings.

You are the best of both worlds

Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious.

Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic Girl?

I have always wanted to know this..

2007-07-22T12:27:00.000+03:00

You Are 22% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

Am I an Alpha female?

2007-07-22T12:19:00.000+03:00

You Have Many Alpha Tendencies

You're not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to - and like to - get your way.
You're forceful without being intimidating. You're confident without being vain. A perfect mix.

Are You an Alpha Female?

This is what I wrote for this girl I admire in office...

2007-07-10T17:40:00.000+03:00

Was it compassion,
Or was it funny that she smiled;
Was she really happy,
Or was it something she tried to hide.

Gets lost in her creative pursuits,
Structured on the outside,
An artist at the roots.

She could goof up
And make it look fine;
She could faulter,
And yet never cross the line.

A head above her shoulders,
Emotions under boulders;
She moves on in life..
Lucky he would be to whom she would be wife! :)

She could kill with her looks,
But she'd rather drown in books;
She could intimidate,
But she'd rather put it straight.

She giggles for a while,
And regains composure like she never lost it;
A child at heart..a woman in body
It'd seem natural even if she flaunted !

What the shit...

2007-07-08T11:57:00.000+03:00

Guess I have forgotten how to write anything meaningful....my blog seems to be full of meaningless posts..and the last one...YUCK....crappy...

Have faith..

2007-01-19T21:21:00.000+03:00

Awaiting a lot of developments in my life in the near future. Some of them have already come about and a lot of others soon will. All of them will be for the better. I know it, am sure about it and I know I will be happier and content with the choices I would have made.

* It's okay to learn from experience.
* It's alright to learn things the hard way, helps you being more convinced about your present.
* You can be proven wrong about your notions and you should be glad that you learnt you were mistaken, otherwise you would have lived in doubt about that wrong, all your life.
* On the other hand, sometimes it gives immense satisfaction to learn that you were right in sticking to your stand and being stubborn about it coz in the end that was the best thing for you to do.

What I am trying to say in effect is:

It's perfectly fine to have faith in your beliefs, no matter how bizarre they sound at that moment. If you are right in believing them, you will feel good about having your own mind work for you rather than going by a readymade set of solutions. IF you were wrong, you'd be convinced about the correct course of action for the right reasons and you will follow it with far more conviction.

Happy 2007!!

2007-01-06T12:57:00.000+03:00

Went on a looong vacation..met up so many of my dearest and old frens...there have been developments :-) ...am beginning to move on!

A couple of lessons:

*Life doesnt become happenning on it's own. You have to go and reach out to it and really explore.

*No matter how strong frenships are, there can still be misunderstandings and those misunderstandings can still be cleared and that's when your relnship goes on to the next level and that's when you now how much more can there be to life than u knew.

*My sister's the sweetest sister in the whole wide world!

*I can catch up with old frens through orkut after more than a decade n then be best of buddies all over again :-)

*I can still think creatively and intelligently in one go..

*And..there are tones of beautiful people yet to be met up with in life..and that's when it becomes more colorful!

*People don't always have to make an effort to like me :-)

*Opus in Blore is the most happenning place i have been to in the last 6 months!

*You can spend most of your vacation without doing any of what you really planned to do and yet feel good abt it.

*Delhi is not as bad as I always thought it to be...the roads are a luxury, the people are the easiest to relate to and there are frens here whom I would really miss if I were to move out of here!

HAPPY 2007 GUYS!!

I'd give up forever...

2006-12-20T12:54:00.000+03:00

And I'd give up forever to touch you;

Cause I know that you feel me somehow ;

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be;

And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment;

And all I can breathe is your life;

Cause sooner or later it's over;

I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me;

Cause I don't think that they'd understand;

When everything's made to be broken;

I just want you to know who I am......

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming;

Or the moment of truth in your lies;

When everything seems like the movies;

Yeah you bleed just to know your alive;

And I don't want the world to see me;

Cause I don't think that they'd understand;

When everything's made to be broken;

I just want you to know who I am......

Weird people!

2006-12-18T12:03:00.000+03:00

What do you with people who are devious? The kinds for whom there are no values, no priniciples, no conscience - just selfish interests – which guide them and control every action of theirs. Do you

a) give them back in the same coin ?
b) laugh at them ?
c) or simply be oblivious to their existence?

It’s Raining Men….

2006-12-12T14:07:00.000+03:00

What is wrong with all the men in this world? Suddenly I am being bestowed with so much of undue attention.

I mean come on…were they sleeping for the last 25 years of my existence? :-) Ok, so I discount them for the first 15 but what crime had I been committing(repeatedly I guess) over the last one decade?

I remember during college days (grad I mean), how anxiously I used to wait for a guy to even give me a second look . But I guess they used to treat me like one of them. Things were so bad that I used to secretly enjoy even the lewd comments being passed by roadside romeos…(Imagine!).

And now when the last thing I look forward to is a member of the male species…I see a sudden abundance of these creatures all around me. It’s funny how life has a way of showering you with stuff when you least need it.

And me…I guess for now I will get an umbrella to avoid getting wet :-)

Dejavu..

2006-12-08T12:36:00.000+03:00

Why am I so possessive about my work? It’s so hard to let go.

This is exactly how I felt when I was changing the last role I held. This new girl, who was taking over from me, I had given her everything on a platter...sadly though she couldn’t carry it on the same way. When she had joined, I remember how reluctant I was to even let her sit on my chair :-)…

And now it’s the same feeling all over again… I know am moving for a better position in a better organization..yet it’s not easy let go..

Wish I could just do it in a single jerk,so that I don’t have to see someone else take my place, so that I don’t have to realise I am not indispensable and so that I don’t have to know that nothing will stop because of me :-)

Truly zombie...

2006-11-26T17:52:00.000+03:00

I have lived the last three months of my life like a zombie (lived upto my name )…only pain and confusion reigns. I keep asking myself what could I have done different/differently to save myself from facing this situation today…wonder why I love him so much?

Can’t seem to get him out of my head…how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and then live happily ever after.I guess I am not one of those lucky one’s in life with whom happiness stays for long... It comes in spurts and then vanishes leaving me more drained each time. He’s gone for good..

Why did I get to know how beautiful life could be when I could have blissfully lived in ignorance not knowing what it meant to be with someone you have so longed for all your life and not known about that longing either..

Don’t know when and how will I be able to get myself out of this rut!

Champ in the making..

2006-11-20T18:08:00.000+03:00

I finally remembered my blog's password....and here I am!

Met up with a couple of frens last night..went to the New Delhi Railway station to have coffee at Wimpy's (the only thing I like to have there). My friend had brought a junior from her office along with her...sweet lil 'bacchaa', a constant source of entertainment for the rest of us who usually doubles up as our errand boy. :-)

We ordered him to sing for us...and wanted to burst out laughing the second he began(that's what we do at everything he says or does)...but when he started it was like....tears came to my eyes...people all around us just stood leaving whatever they were doing(including the Wimpy's boys at the counter)..a small crowd gathered as this sweet little chap sang from the bottom of his heart..the words that still ring in my mind and give me goosebumps..

Bin tere kya hai jeena...
mere dil ki raani tum..
meri khushiyon ka mausam..
mere khwaabon ki taaviz..
mere sapno ki tasveer..
bin tere kaisi aas..
woh jeet ho ya haar..
tere sang hai sab kuch..
tu nah hai to bekaar..
bin tere kya hai jeena..

suni khaali raatein..
ruthi feeki battein..
har aahat pe chaukun..
tujhko harsu dekhoon..
tujhko hardam sochun..
tujhko har pal chahoon..
tere bin tho jeevan bas hai intezaar..
bin tere kya hai jeena..

Absolutely beautiful!!

Can I tell u how happy I am....

2006-08-20T18:57:00.000+03:00

Someone told me today....an old girl pal of mine ...

"Liking you makes me a good person too"

"To know you..is to like you"

My day is made..my week...my month...my year!!!! One of the biggest compliments I have ever received.

Love is...love is not..

2006-08-12T11:46:00.000+03:00

I scribbled these lines on a tattered piece of paper, trying to kill time while waiting for my driver to pick me up….

…Last time I did this (wrote something down while waiting for someone), I was hit by an emotion called ‘love’. Now when I think about it I wonder if the conventional meaning of this term, so frequently used or ‘misused’, really co-incides with my notion/understanding of the same.

To me love is not that which hits you suddenly and makes the world go round (though it may start with that...)
Love is not just something that which makes you lose your sleep, your appetite or even your senses..
Love is not a mystery..
And love is definitely not blind..

Love doesn’t make you dependent, it bestows you with someone you can depend upon.
Love doesn’t degenerate into a routine, it stays with you like a beautiful feeling forever.
Love is there by your side when nothing else is, like a rock solid faith.
Love is that which makes you feel good about who you are and yet shows you the way to what you can be.
Love is that which you want to make grow. It needn’t be perfect but that which you want to achieve perfection at.
Love is not providence, love is that which you make possible without it ever having a chance of happening on it’s own.
Love is not a mystery – it’s a sequence of events

And love is not selfish..it is that which guides you..counsels you, supports you, helps you without ever making you feel grateful for it.

To be able to love is to be able to empathise, tolerate and forgive..

It's not that the absence of any of the above means love is incomplete, nor is the above piece comprehensive. It would take a life time to put down in a few words what this emotion implies. This infact is just an expression what love has been for me and what it has been not.

Tarot Reading

2006-07-22T23:06:00.000+03:00

My new fascination these days. Visit www.tarot.com for a free reading of your first three chosen cards. I dunno if it's accurate, actually these things never are, one interprets em the way they want but u know what - it's fun..especially when u got nothin more sensible goin on with u. :-)

Monsoons are here!

2006-07-19T11:09:00.000+03:00

Weather in Delhi is improving..Rain God decided to show some mercy on us, hardworking Delhiites!

Rite now it's cloudy outside, the temperature's come down, water in taps is cool and people are havin fun comin in late for work or jes takin the day off enjoying the romantic weather. At the traffic signals there's less honking of horns - the temperaments in this city cool down with the fall in temperature.

Monsoon sales are on and my knees go weak every time I see a hoarding advertising a 50% OFF( with a small 'upto' written at the bottom)...I try n reason with myself..I jes blew up a lot of money buying stuff as if the malls were going on a vacation and finally decide-in keeping with the spirit of the season - let's jes succumb to temptations!

Paradox...

2006-06-03T08:48:00.000+03:00

When you don't have time to think...
can you still brood..

When you doubt what you are boasting about..
is it still confidence..

When you die everyday to live well sometime..
is it life still..

When you love someone but it doesnt last..
if it's not eternal..is it love..

When you drive ambition in you..
does it still hold the same value..

When opinions start shaping who you are..
are you still YOU..

When you achieve the perfect balance..
is it time to lose it..

If senses only brought pleasure..
would pleasure mean the same..

If I were perfect..
would I be happy..

If I understood all about life..
would I still wanna live

I started my book today...

2006-05-15T23:47:00.000+03:00

..however crappy and cliche' the first chapter may sound..I jes wanted to start somewhere..else I would have never got down to doin it..

So atleast I am working towards one of the 13 things I wanted to start this year..that I committed myself to, on my birthday!!

I have also made a new friend for life..

Am reviving atleast two of my old friendships..

Have taken the first step towards changing my job..

Yipee..am gettin there..slow and steady..

The path ahead...

2006-04-21T17:26:00.000+03:00

The only thing constant in life is change and yet we consciously/ sub- consciously keep resisting it .

The process of changing is painful and I guess I’m going through that pain right now, not sure if the end result would be worth all of this. What keeps me going is the faith that I have in myself, my ideologies and my individual assessment of right and wrong. I hope I am able to keep this faith alive and I hope it won’t let me down very often.

As I move on, I am excited about the journey ahead but it saddens me to remember that which I leave behind. It somehow keeps pulling me back. The times spent together, those innocent days, first salary, small joys, little dreams, thoughts about marriage, opinion about guys, the initial hesitation at work, those valentine’s days, mindless commitment to certain things….

We learn and become wise but somewhere within...miss the bliss in ignorance that we leave behind.

All I wanna do...

2006-03-22T15:49:00.000+03:00

no job, no challenges, no achievements, no colleagues, no frenships, no break offs, no relationships, no hate, no love, no clarity, no confusion, no obligations.....This is ALL I WANNA DO!!!

13 things I wanna do this year:

2006-03-14T10:57:00.000+03:00

1. Go for a 10 day trek
2. Change my job
3. Make a new friend for life..
4. Revive 3 old friendships I cherished but didn’t maintain.
5. Smile more often & make an attempt at being a more friendly person.
6. Not be miserable nor show it
7. Get seriously involved in a social cause and continue it.
8. Start writing a book.
9. Lose 8 kgs of weight.
10. Go for dancing classes
11. Be more process oriented
12. Define the purpose of my life.
13. Remember to review it next year

Does anyone wanna share their 13 expectations from self..I won’t mind even 14/15 for that matter…

Intriguing comments...

2006-03-10T09:42:00.000+03:00

I am posting an intriguing comment from Pakiya, on this old post of mine I wrote almost one year back. It surpasses the original content on my post in so many ways that I was compelled to put it up here again and delve deeper...Thanks Pakiya (beingapig.blogspot.com) lets continue commenting on this one..

Zombie,

am catching up on all your posts. I hv become an admirer and you have inspired me to become a blogger.

I will provide my 2 cents worth on this subject and hopefully in the process i will also be able to add some additional clarity and/or confusion to your insightful thoughts.

Definition of God or understanding his/her existence or form is limited by the finite capacity of our mind. You can only understand/comprehend
what human mind can rationalize and explain.

God neither makes misery or happiness. It is a vicious circle of want and fulfillmet or lack thereof that triggers misery and happiness.

Human nature is engineered and programmed to search and seek out happiness and goodness (u are right!!) but in our finite wisdom we look to the external world for our happiness and that for sure is doomed to fail.

You are absolutely right in not being convinced of the conventional concept of God (driven by religion). But I don't agree with your concept of an individual god. That is just the pendulum swinging to the other side.

I have constantly struggled with these notions.

Any concept of god that cannot be applied or does not dictate every second of our life is just that - a concept. Neither a defined "religious order" nor a "personalized conscience" allows us to get closer to the universal nature of god.

In my mind there is a universal god that transcends all religious and personal boundaries. The traditional wisdom of god is absolute beauty and absolute goodness (the hellenic philosophers came to this independent conclusion some 2000 years after indian sages figured it out!!). There are different paths to uniting with this god. Most of these paths have become strewn with the debries of religious fanaticsm or relativism.

But at the heart of it is a very scientific approach that has been mastered and handed down to us from thousands of yrs back by our ancestors.

We in India are fortunate to be part of that lienage. But unfortunately we have had no messiahs that has been made it simple enough for the comman man to understand or practice this scientific approach. Here is what i mean..

I am sure u have heard of the 4P's. u not only need a great Product, but you need good Positioning, attractive Pricing and compelling Promotion.

I am advocating a marketing division for "achieving oneness with god" :)))

All u can do is subscribe to the 4P's and become a dedicated consumer. In the short term the benefit is you learn to conquer the finiteness of your mind and your senses and in the longer term you get closer to achieving the ideal.

One big hindrance to this is that this pursuit of happiness and oneness with that universal entity cannot be accomplished in one life time though. It might take many lifes to do that. and then your mind gets in the way again because you now have to believe and be able to explain afterlife and rebirth...

Goes back to the point of just submitting yourself to certain fundamental truths/laws of nature that you don't want to question. u really want to trust the marketing guy :)

Easier said than done...

I wonder why I am still such a pig and how many afterlifes I still have in my pursuit of god.

Someone like me...

2006-02-28T18:13:00.000+03:00

I recently came across somebody who was my replica in so many ways and the guy turns out to be a Piscean just like me. He has likes/dislikes/passions/worries/notions...all that I go through...I could never believe I cud ever some across somebody as eccentric as I am..as reckless..as passionate and as emotional..

Some of our very basic habits also match to a very great extent..I would start sentences and he would complete them for me..I would say something but he would understand what I implied..I would smile but he would understand I was crying....

I could never believe I would so relate to anyone in my life so much...turns out he's married........breaks my heart!

What kind of a blogger are you?!!

2005-12-29T09:24:00.000+03:00

Hi All,

Came across this interesting test on another blogger's page(Miranda) and got my results as below...why don't you also give it a try!

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Chicken Little

2005-12-27T12:43:00.000+03:00

The movie is cute and like all kid movies …it leaves a message both for the kids and their parents. For the kids- to always believe in themselves even when the whole world is against them. And for the parents-to always have and show faith in their children as it can make a world of difference to their lives.

The animated chicken little made a very cute cartoon character(one that I have added to my list of favs). It was nice to see the kids in the hall around me clapping when the chicken hero proved the world wrong about his incapabilities.

Though I did wonder for the first half an hour if I have made a mistake by coming for a movie meant for kids...by the end of it I felt it was a decent amount of entertainment.I personally loved Madagascar a lot more..

Sense and sensitivity

2005-12-14T13:26:00.000+03:00

Being sensible is important but being sensitive..if not more it IS just as important in life. Somewhere in a bid to grow into matured, successful, smart individuals..we unlearn this lesson in life.

I would like to bring it back to my conscience again.....

I started being very sensible with my parents...studied hard..achieved some part of my dream..made my parents proud...proud BUT NOT HAPPY. In a bid to live upto their expectations..I forgot that they too needed to be cared for..they too have feelings, hopes, desires and ambitions..aspects that may not be related to me that I was comfortably oblivios to.

I was being very sensible with my boss and worked day n nite like an ass...and forgot he has an ego that needs to be satisfied..he cares abt my results but he ALSO cares (infact more)abt whether I acknowledge his existence...

I concentrated totally on my career and thot I needed to put my relnship behind...and SCREWED it in the bargain! I did the sensible thing but stopped showing sensitivity towards the one guy who meant the world to me.

They says better late than never...am happy I realised it but I only hope it's not TOO LATE fr me to make up.

Five People you meet in heaven...

2005-12-09T09:56:00.000+03:00

Ok I am sic of having this pic on my homepage....I mean watching it and grinning is one thing but having it forever is like a pain....

I read Five People You Meet in heaven....first of all the book's title is misleading...it isn't about five people YOU (as in anybody)meets in heaven....which I am sure caused the book to be so popular...but 5 people the narrator meets in heaven.

What one gets touched about in the book is how sometimes we dont realise the complete reality of situations and blame our near/dear ones for what they did to us. Sometimes we carry such grudges to our graves...never to realise what was the real cause behind somebody's unjustified behaviour...may belife was unjust to them.

Also, I liked in particular the part where the narrator meets with his wife in heaven....and realises how painful it was to live without her for so many years. Also she was with him for a short span in heaven...and the pain of knowing that she will disappear soon...was bad.

The book awakens you to the realisation that those who are precious to us ...whom we sometimes take forgranted during our lifetime .....will go away one day.

Life will end one day and we should LIVE it while we are there, we need to embrace every moment of it...and try to bring smiles to those who are dear to us. Things that we crib about could have been much worse than this. So be thankful for what you have and try and live a happier life.

He..he...

2005-11-18T15:11:00.000+03:00

Don't blame me guys...u asked for it!

Like Humans do

2005-10-25T22:38:00.000+03:00

Like Humans Do

For millions of years, In millions of homes
A man loved a woman, A child it was born
It learned how to hurt and it learned how to cry
Like Humans Do
I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

I work & I sleep & I dance & I'm dead
I'm eatin, I'm laughin & I'm lovin myself
We're eatin off plates & and we kiss with our tongue
Like Humans Do

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs

I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

...am putting these lyrics here for no particular reason except that I guess I like the feel of this song....

My first earthquake alone....

2005-10-08T10:44:00.000+03:00

Yahooooo!
Today I experienced the first earthquake of my life when I was all by myself in my house ( coz i stay alone ). The thrill of this incident was something else....

When the tremors came..I was taking out clothes from my almirah and thought I weighed down too heavily upon it and hence it was shaking. For 30secs I tried holding it and making the thing stable...but ofcourse it wouldnt behave...and then suddenly I heard ppl screaming outside.."earthquake..earthquake". And then started the series of dilemnas I had to face...I was in my pyjamas and couldn't decide if I should run out like that..so I DECIDED to grab a towl...then I wondered what if I am rendered homeless and if I should carry some dough..DECIDED otherwise...and then it occurred to me if I die atleast I shud be able to inform my parents and bid them adieu.... so I grabbed my mobile,....also thought what if ppl enter my house while I am lying dead outside and find my lingerie strewn all over...so I locked my house and FINALLY raaaaan downstairs for dear life....

By then things had already settled down and it was too late to die I guess...the thrill was good as long as it lasted..and frankly it left me exhausted with the no of decisions I had to take in those 120 seconds... ;-)

Cindrella Man

2005-10-03T20:19:00.000+03:00

Cindrella Man- The movie is touching, more than any I have seen in the past one year. Really liked watching Russel Crowe in action…

The movie definitely has a message…a message that urges you to ‘FIGHTBACK’ in life…and not give up on your beliefs and values in the worst of times. What’s important is to be MENTALLY TOUGH and not let anybody in this world ANYBODY to bog you down with their own notions of truth/reality.

Also, I could so identify with the way Crowe was so passionate about his game (the way I am about my work). His passion actually stemmed from something very basic-hunger/bid to survive…for me that drive is basic too and that is my freedom.

I also loved the way Crowe chooses to respond to people’s attempt to brainwash him by calling Boxing a killer game and him a murderer. Instead of getting sentimental and giving up, he again countered strongly with his reasoning. The anticlimax to that situation was very interesting.

In many ways the movie reminded me of another beautiful work ‘Life is beautiful’. It’s a must watch!

..Give up

2005-09-23T17:12:00.000+03:00

If you do not realise the importance of what you have, but you know that you don't and yet you can't help it. I think then its better to just give it up, if not for anything else, to NOT disrespect something that you know is important enough.

Expectations

2005-08-31T10:27:00.000+03:00

Sometimes I wonder why I struggle so much..is it worth all the pain, my bid to get that which I feel is the BEST for me...is it worth taking life so seriously...am I so wary of getting less than what I deserve that I am not able to enjoy that which is with me....

For all my blog frens....

2005-08-25T19:11:00.000+03:00

This is one's for all of you who come visiting my blog..!
Keep shining!

Thoughts..at random...

2005-08-14T09:01:00.000+03:00

I close my eyes...and rest my head behind..
I smell smoke and taste salt in my mouth..the taste of my tears..
I can hear him talk..the words fall on my ears..some bounce back other seep in..I ignore..he stops singing..he didn't mean to upset me.

I remember things..wonder where I went wrong..why I went that way..somebody claps for him..he searches for the face, acknowledges, continues..his music, music that's killing me softly..words that speak of my story in some ways...the story that everyone knows and yet nobody, including me...

I take out my pen, I wanna write..the story goes on..the music goes on..life goes on! I hear grinding, I hear guitar..I don't wanna stop, I don't have to. Am not writing to be read...nor being empathised, yet I want these words to exist..exist in my space..the space that belongs to me.

I look at people..a family, they are laughing at jokes. no matter how silly...wanna leave everything..go far..start afresh...
...fresh like the morning that has no past..wanna see faces that don't judge me..that let me be the way I am..the way I wanna be!

Happy Independence Day!!

2005-08-13T13:01:00.000+03:00

A very Happy Independence Day to all my Indian friends!!

My space!

2005-08-09T17:48:00.000+03:00

I have moved into my small cozy new house today...a house of my own...and I absolutely adore it! It's has all that I need and it's there only for me!! Above everything it is my space and it is my freedom to be what I AM. Now I can go home without the worries /obligations of having to smile at a lousy roomie..I can cook and eat what I want..I can watch the channel of my choice on the tv and play the music as loud(weekends) or as low( while dozing off) as I want!
To put it simply....

'Am lovin it! tara ta ta tara'

The Interpreter

2005-08-07T16:01:00.000+03:00

Can't say abt the movie but the promos must be really good that they drove me to watch it without caring abt the reviews!

Well this is all I have to say abt it:

Alright first I will talk about the things that I liked abt the movie...I think Nicole Kidman was looking awesome...she's lost a lot of weight and I loved watching Sean Penn too but guess thats abt all I liked.

Am sorry guys but I cudnt enjoy it otherwise! the movie was too heavy..too complicated..and except for a few moments when it gets really intense n all ( when all the heroes of the movie are together in one bus and something's abt to happen )..it was very average! Much below my expectations ppl...that's all.

Take Each Day....

2005-08-06T12:46:00.000+03:00

Living each day to the fullest. To me this mostly translates as striking a balance in life...balance between work and home, between personal pursuits and family expectations, between keeping fit and indulging and yes between personal values and societal norms. If we can achieve this balance in life and maintain it during our lifetime..we have lived to the fullest!

Choti si asha...

2005-08-03T12:35:00.000+03:00

Dil hai chota sa..
choti si aasha,
masti bhare man ki,
bholi si asha..

Asmano main udne ki asha..
chand taaron ko choone ki aasha..

About my dear blog fren-Minerva

2005-07-26T07:44:00.000+03:00

A few things I feel are true about my dear blog fren-Minerva
(and are not evident from her blog)

Hi Minerva, hope you don't get angry with this.

1. She likes to sing ( but may not do it publicly)
2. She doesn't wish to be very popular.
3. She has her own meaning of 'Success'. Success for her is a very relative term and for her its a personal definition of this word that would give her satisfaction. For her, being successful would include happiness in personal, professional and spiritual front.
4. She likes somebody who's not close to her.
5. She has 2-3 good friends who are close to her and who she really cherishes. She tries not 2 be mean to others .
6. She's not very fond of food.
7. She doesn't go by the public opinion of people/events/books etc.
8. She's above average in studies(may be better).
9. Her height is about 5 2"
10.She's a kind soul( kinder than she knows she is!)

Lemme know how much of the above is true...

Anti climax!

2005-07-21T16:17:00.000+03:00

It's amazing how crudely judgemental we sometimes get, of the people we love and who are/were an essential part of our lives. A lot of our problems/miseries and confusions in life could be resloved if we begin accepting ppl as they are. That is not to say that we should tolerate bad/unjust behaviour but lets accept that a person who has habitually been a certan way cant be changed overnight....blah blah blah..blah...

I can't bear to forgive...coz am NOT GREAT and it gives me more satisfaction to blame a person who has been so bad to me. May the ASSHOLE go to hell!

It's Time..

2005-07-16T08:46:00.000+03:00

Time to move on and leave the past behind,
it's good to keep memories; better to discard which plague the mind,

The world lies ahead of me, waiting to be explored,
don't jes lie dead , scared of being abhorred.
Be happy my soul- smile, laugh and shine,
this life belongs to me and its thrills are all mine

Feeling bad...are you?

2005-07-09T09:15:00.000+03:00

If you ever feel ashamed of something that you may have done in the past..jes know that it's okay. Feel bad about it, curse yourself if you want but also remember at the back of your head that feeling ashamed is a positive feeling. It means you are aware of your mistakes and if to no one else you have acknowledged the wrong to your own conscience.Feel bad but also feel good that you are on your way to being a better individual, more aware of self and humble enough to realise your mistakes.

Happennings in my life lately…

2005-07-01T09:39:00.000+03:00

Have started reading again…after a long time and I absolutely love the time spent in solitude with jes me and the things that I like to do(read/paint/write/make collages/long walks alone..). Its like going into a different space. Don’t wanna ever stop now.

Started caring more for parents and family. Have been spending more and more time with them especially mom. I understand her (she tells me), like nobody. I can feel her pain abt things..things which I can help and those which I can’t. I wanna see her happy, want to help her achieve her dreams which are still ALIVE in her.. those that she couldn’t achieve when she could have (because the time was right for her) but the circumstances weren’t. Its my personal goal to help her achieve a part of this in the coming 6 months and guess what.. I am already on my way..

Have lost weight. I feel more fit and yes definitely lighter!

Am moving to a new role in the same organization. I was being appreciated abt my efforts in making my unit one of the best in the country. ( Have got this trait from my mom I guess.. the undying need to be noticed for my hard work..to be somebody..). But the handover is painful, to the new recruit in my place. Coz this office was being set up by me..like my baby..

Now that I have summarized things..well it does feel good. Guess I am going in the right direction…Would love to continue.

When you love something/someone it makes u weak...

2005-06-29T16:16:00.000+03:00

An excerpt from 'Fountainhead', about why Dominique wants to stay in solitude..

'If I found a project, an idea or a person I wanted-I'd have to depend on the whole world. Everything has strings leading to everything else. We're all so tied together, we're in a net, the net is waiting and we're pushed into it by one single desire. You want a thing and its precious to you. Do you know who's standing ready to tear it out of your hands? You can't know, it may be so involved and so far away but someone is ready and you are afraid of them all. And you cringe and you crawl and you beg and you accept them-just so they'll let you keep it.'

Jes thought of putting it here as I found it deep.