Tuesday, March 31, 2009

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you … I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Here is where my story begins..

Why do I feel disillusioned with life? It’s as if there’s nothing more left to achieve. All my ambitions both personal and professional seems to be coming down. I am caught between the changes coming about in my life and my lost hopes which I had carefully nurtured for all my life. I am almost middle – aged now and yet haven’t reached anywhere significant in life. None of this is what I wanted..if some one tells me that this is exactly how it was all planned for me I will rubbish the thought. I don’t believe in destiny. I believe in the power to create and re-create. Life has given each one of us our own capabilities and somehow I feel that each person has abilities that can somehow compensate for that he may be lacking. It is all about how you play the cards that have been dealt to you.

I don’t want to be a silent observer any longer. I don’t want to ever be tired of wanting to achieve what I wanted. But the problem is also at this point of time the recognition what I really want. Let me examine the things have been putting me down and absorbing all my energies lately.

Coping with a marriage that I didn’t completely want. It has managed to evade the solitude and the need of emotional support but deep down inside do I connect with him – the answer is no. I have always wanted a man that was ambitious and to an extent whimsical. Someone who had dreams and who even if didn’t realize them, atleast tried. I often catch myself trying to search for that man in him. It’s a search that should have been long over and though I have almost given up, I can’t help but feel a sense of despair. But who do I have to blame? The one man I wanted to marry who chickened out or my own fixation with my wants? Either ways it doesn’t help. I am not interested in going back to him for my heart is broken and as much as I blame myself I am unable to console the heart inside me and make it fall in love with someone I am paired with. The feeling is killing me.. slowly. It’s forever gnawing at me from within even in the busiest of places or while doing the most mundane activities. I am no longer consciously awarew if it coz my mind crowds my heart with all that’s happening around me, it overpowers it, criticizes it for being weak and puts it to shame. Yet the heart lies in one corner sobbing quietly unable to let anything or anyone caress it and put it to sleep. It doesn’t want anything for now, least of all pity, perhaps just solitude to let time heal the wounds life has given it.

Coming back to where I originally started – I don’t have to let my insignificant sobbing heart welling in self pity rule my head. Not everyone gets what they want in life and what I have is not bad either.

My ambitions – wanting to start something of my own. Something that sucks the creative juices out of me and leaved me exhausted and happy to see the end result. I also wanted to pursue something altruistic but that can come along with it. Altruistic pursuits can be followed when you can first stand on your own feet. So where do I place my feet? I have always been interested in show business. Dazzling lights, creative stage set ups, lot of drama, bright colors and beautiful sounds. What is it that captures all of this – events, stage show direction and perhaps scripts. I am a writer after all. Atleast for the latter I can proudly say it’s in my blood.

Should I look for a job or do I start on my own? I don’t think I am ready to start independently yet, who do I know, where do I go and what do I do? I don’t have any of these answers. All I know right now is what I want to do and can. Best is to perhaps start working with someone then. But do events also satisfy my urge to create – to build a story – some emotions – no. It has to be drama or perhaps theatre. Will I get paid enough? Can I start pursuing it as a hobby? Will I not be inhibited or stage shy? Do I want to act – no. Do I want to direct – yes. Do I go for a course in film-making – perhaps.

Why am I putting down all this here? To let this blog be a witness to my success story.....perhaps!

And to this end, I change my outlook today..beginning with what my blog is called.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Tarot reading..

I finally learnt how to read Tarot. It’s fun but it’s also a little burdensome and exhausting, being able to spell someone’s future/current emotions/feelings. To my surprise, the readings have been quite accurate.

As much as I have been wanting to learn this art (can’t call it science yet), I have always questioned it’s accuracy or and wondered about it’s scientific nature. And now that I am doing this myself, I can’t help but wonder what goes on behind this. How can random cards predict someone’s future or correctly tell a current situation? Apart from a few generalizations the cards have spoken some very specific details in each one of our lives which no amount of generalization could have reached.

That said, I am yet to be completely convinced of this myself. I can go on and fool people, make safe predictions without getting specific but I don’t want to do that. Am going to explore..

Monday, March 16, 2009

A memorable Birthday!

My birthday celebrations started a day before this time and I spent most of my bday-eve shopping by myself uninhibited by time constraints or people waiting on me to finish up. Felt like a free bird and almost re-lived the golden single-hood days for these many hours.

To add to that and to my sheer delight, I bumped into A, a very old and much remembered friend. For the last 5 years I have been trying to find him and this how I finally do – walking on a road in a market that neither I have visited in so many years nor he (I later found out).

What followed was an animated 45 mins session. Catching up on each other’s lives while also trying to reconcile to the changed us, careful not to display the extreme joy lest we start fighting again. I devoured every minute.

I ended up inviting him and his wife home for my birthday party the next day. Needless to say it was a big success, I was high much before I started drinking :)

Friday, March 13, 2009

My ‘first’ Holi colored with Bhang

This was my first Holi after marriage and it had to be different. I went for a party where Bhang was being served mixed in the famous ‘Holi - Thandai’. As much as I hate bhang, I was told it is very mild and only 5 glasses or more would result in anything disastrous. So I took liberty and gave my friends company by having half a glass. For one hour or so nothing happened but what followed there after was not funny.

On our way back home I found myself thinking about an old friend. I started going back in time and went back to when I first met him. I saw in front of my eyes a very detailed scene of that day complete with the clothes we were wearing, my first impression of his looks, the surroundings, people whom we were with, what they said etc. It was like a dream I was seeing with my eyes wide open..actually more than that..it was like going back in past and re-living those exact moments. I finally snapped out of it when some conversation started in the car. And then the same thing followed for someone, whose name was mentioned in some conversation happening amongst the saner lot.

Reached home and started to feel dizzy. Started gasping for breath and panic took over. My mind started racing at the speed of light. Something told me I was really sick and will start doing funny things. I was really scared..really really scared. I was going crazy and it was as if I couldn’t control what my mind was thinking. I suddenly understood what it meant to go insane but the weirdest part was the realization I had all along of what was going on with me. It was as if a part of me stood outside like a spectator and saw all that was happening. I kept telling myself again and again that I just needed to snap out of it once and I would be okay. When I couldn’t help it anymore I told my husband to help me put a break to my thoughts just once and I would get out of it. He of course couldn’t understand and kept repeating ‘you are fine baby…you are fine’ and kept urging me to go to sleep. I tried doing that too but I was scared coz a friend of mine once told me that the effects of Bhang can even last for 8 years. I was somehow convinced that I had gone insane and would remain so for these many years. So when I was asked to go to sleep my response was, if I sleep now, how will I know when 8 years are over and it’s time for me to get up. I was afraid I will never wake up. I cried and cried and started chanting ‘gayatri mantra’ something I had not done for more than ten years since I became agnostic. Nothing helped and I started banging my head against the floor.

Finally when it got too much I ordered for me to be taken to a doc. If only he could tell me I was okay, I would believe it. My husband of course relented. On my way, it dawned upon me that if I need a doc to tell me that, it means I am really not fine. All healthy people in this world don’t need to be told that they are okay. In panic I started going through a list of names in my mind who could convince me if I was okay. I didn’t want to get anyone else worried so I gave up the idea. I think amidst all this, I dozed off for a while. When I woke up I was told that the doc has seen me and pronounced me ‘ok’. I knew that hadn’t happened and felt sick at the thought of being treated like a ‘mad’ person. I even wondered how I could skip the whole incidence of the doc meeting me. Was I beginning to lose my memory too??

And then came the thought of death. I then came up with a wonderline and asked my husband if he knew the meaning of this statement ‘The ultimate truth is death’. Smartness prsonified responds with ultimate ease ‘Yeah I do’. I got down the car and asked him ‘ what if I told you I have realized this truth?’. He said ‘Good for you’. Irritated at his lack of empathy, I responded, ‘the moment one realizes it, it’s time for the person to die’.( By the way, I truly believed I was going to die). He asked me to have a respectable death on the seat of his car and to his relief I agreed. I finally went to sleep thinking I will never wake up. I of course did and lived to tell you this tale ;-)

All in all – it was scary, hilarious and embarrassing. It all happened in my in-laws house after all.